Afterglow

And Mary said, “My soul magnifies the Lord, and my spirit rejoices in God my savior. For God has looked with favor on the lowliness of her servant. Surely, from now on all generations will call me blessed.” – Luke 1:46-48 (NRSV adapted) 

Mary spoke these words when she was in the relaxed second trimester of pregnancy. Over the morning sickness. Able to eat anything she wanted, pickles to pizza. Not yet plagued by the waddling discomfort and vicious heartburn of being full-term preggo. 

She’d come to feel differently when the baby was actually born, and cried nonstop, and wouldn’t sleep except on her, exhausted beyond belief. “Sleep when the baby sleeps,” people said. More like “cry when the baby cries.”  

She’d eventually throw out all the copies of Meditations for New Mothers that well-intentioned visitors brought her, the first page opining, “You will love this widdle person so much that you will want to wake them up just to see those sweet eyes again.”  

The only “glow” she had left was the nuclear one that came from not having showered for days. She resented the societal conspiracy to sell new parenthood as a 1000% blooming gift and not what it really was: one part miracle, ten parts drudgery and exhaustion.  

But oh! that one part miracle. When he slept for 45 minutes in the creche after a particularly good nursing session. When he smiled up at her (or was it gas?) while changing his swaddling clothes.  

You may be a postpartum Mary yourself, tending not an infant but a newborn faith in God. You don’t always feel it: that love and wonder they say you are supposed to feel. You are sometimes depressed and exhausted, entirely out of clean underwear, unshowered and feeling like a loser. Like you are doing it all wrong, like everyone has faith figured out and you are an imposter.  

But this life with God is hard. Being hard is a sign of your commitment. It may be one part miracle to ten parts mess. But it’s worth it.

Prayer
God, you are a lot of work. Smile up at me from time to time! Show me that you know me and love me. Amen.

About the Author
Rev. Molly Baskette is the lead pastor of First Church Berkeley UCC and the author of books about church renewal, parenting, spiritual growth and more. Sign up for her author newsletter or get information about her newest book at mollybaskette.com.