“Ah, Tim, You…”

O God, I seek you, my soul thirsts for you, as in a dry and weary land. I think of you on my bed; I meditate on you through the watches of the night. – Psalm 63:1 & 6 (NRSV adapted) 

Since early childhood, a man I know has been attracted to Something. He didn’t know what It was then, but he felt drawn in Its direction. It was like an undertow. He went with It.  

In college, a friend took him to church. There he discovered that It was God. The God Jesus talked about, and talked to, at night, alone in the hills. 

He started talking to God, too, saying, “Ah, God, you…” That’s how he prayed, with that sigh. He heard God sigh back, “Ah, Tim, you…” Always, a sigh, and a stirring.  

Until a day when there was no sigh from God. No stirring. Not in church where he prayed. Not under the stars where he pleaded. Not even in the homeless shelter where he worked, which was disquieting, for he’d often heard God sigh there. 

I’m back at the beginning, he thought. He felt bereft, but by now his own sighing had become his habit, second nature, so he kept it up. Sometimes he felt stupid, like a crazed unrequited lover, lobbing his longing into a void. He got over that after a while, too.  

He hasn’t heard God say, “Ah, Tim, you…” for years. He knows he may never hear his name that way again. But he told me he’s content. He has what he’s always sought. 

For he’s come to know that God isn’t a prize at the end of his sighs, but lives fully within them, end to beginning, beginning to end. Desire is all there is, and all the way to God is God. 

Prayer
Ah, God, you…

About the Author
Mary Luti is a long time seminary educator and pastor, author of Teresa of Avila’s Way and numerous articles, and founding member of The Daughters of Abraham, a national network of interfaith women’s book groups.