How to Begin and How to Mend

by Molly Baskette | published on Apr 6, 2024

Then Peter came to Jesus and asked, “Lord, how many times shall I forgive my brother or sister who sins against me? Up to seven times?” Jesus answered, “I tell you, not seven times, but seventy-seven times.” – Matthew 18:21-22 (NIV) 

For years, Lent was an opportunity to perfect myself … including forgiving anyone who had hurt me, even if they hadn’t yet made amends. Forgiving them became a kind of Olympic-level virtue-stoking—but I’m not sure I actually did forgive them, all the way down.  

Going by how often people come to me and say a version of, “How do I forgive 77 times, let alone forget, when the person keeps hurting me?” forgiveness continues to be one of the most elusive demands of Christian discipleship.  

What if instead, Christianity had put more of an emphasis on repenting the harm we have done than forgiving harm-doers? If more of us regularly took a fearless moral inventory, then took steps to repair where we have ruptured, we might find there is less one-sided forgiveness needed. 

In the book, On Repentance and Repair, Rabbi Danya Ruttenberg lays out the 5 steps of repentance and repair first given to us by the 12th-century philosopher Maimonides:

  1. Confess
  2. Begin to change
  3. Make amends/reparation
  4. Offer a real apology
  5. Make different choices in the future to demonstrate that your change is real

Real repentance—and real healing—is possible when we walk these steps interpersonally, institutionally, even nationally.

The seeds of change we planted in Lent grow slowly. Spiritual practices begun then may yet take firm root and come to full flower. Think about your relationships, particularly that one rupture you feel in your gut; it is yours to repair. Lent may be over, but Easter brings the freedom of new life. Take the first step.

Prayer
God, just for today, may I ruminate more on the harm I have done than on that done to me. And let me begin to mend. Amen.

Molly BasketteAbout the Author
Rev. Molly Baskette is the lead pastor of First Church Berkeley UCC and the author of books about church renewal, parenting, spiritual growth and more. Sign up for her author newsletter or get information about her newest book at mollybaskette.com.